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| i probably could sleep... but i was reading my last blog.. and felt compelled to write another....
i am so freakin emotional lately.. and i want to blame it all on the new birth control.. but i cant.. it probably just exacerbates my emotional instability.... but i am in a really strange time in my life... being on the waiting list for whittier and thomas jefferson really sucks... because i want sooo badly to just move forward.... but there are too many conditionals.... and as much as people may try to comfort me... thank you all btw..... i feel that my self worth is tied into whether or not i get into law school... i know that i wont be any better or worse when i get in... if i get in... or if i dont get in.... but my heart is in this... im ready to show the world what i can accomplish.. im ready to work hard... im ready to learn... this is my next step.... and i want to make that step forward already.....
and lately, ive been thinking of my grandma a lot... how she would be so supportive of me trying to advance my education... she would be proud of me.... and i miss talking to her... and i envy a lot of people for being able to know the small little quirks about their grandmas or grandpas.... the way they smell.. the way they eat... they way they walk... the way they smoke... or in my grandma's case, their drink of preference..... you know... all the silly things old people do.... and to an extent, i knew her as much as i could have.... and i do remember the way she smelled... but it was the smell of her hair, tainted by the smell of the hospital that i remember....... not of her, on a normal day of her life... not on an ordinary occasion....but i remember her scent on the day she died... i was not fortunate enough to see her as much as i wanted to... i mean, i can count the number of times ive ever been in her presence on one hand.. and i hate that the love that i have for her is so disproportionate of the time ive spent with her.... and in a way.. i feel a sense of regret and guilt for not have done more.... and i just miss her... thats all i can do.... just miss her
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| ok.. so i almost dont know how to "xanga" anymore.... i was looking for the button to chick on so i can made one of these comment/posting/things..... what is this? a block? haha.. BLOG... right... anyway.. looking at the date of my last posting-type-thing..... its been almost a whole year....
in the last year... what have i done? (my life is including but not limited to the following listed experiences)
GRADUATED! had the best time of my life at the biggest party ive ever thrown.... i even got to share that special day with my Grandma Smith (bless her), my Grandpa Smith, and my Uncle Tim.... (and all my friends and family from home... yall are so sweet to me..)
when to europe and back... about 8 or 9 countries in 5 weeks.... i graduated on a saturday and left on a tuesday... im sure ive told you all of my stupid adventures abroad... there really are too many memories to even describe.. ahh... i love being homeless in foreign countries...
moved home but not really home.... living in my mom and dad;s old house while they live it up in a semi-mansion..
took the lsat and did not so great but not so bad...... had a cool tutor that became a good friend..
went to popsickle last year and started an on-off relationship with charles... only my 3rd official REAL bf.... there was love there.. but it turned into something unrecognizable....... i dont know what it is now....
went to hawaii with my family... so cool... except the horrible and uptight uncle and aunt... they were so strange...
2-3 months full of shit.. just shit... months of life taking a shit on me... my grandma passing on halloween... my father, real grandfather and brother all hospitalized within the same month...
i miss my Grandma... and i think if her just about everyday of my life
got a new puppy... TIMBALAND!!!! boston terrier... most chill dog in the world.. kinda shaky though...
met a good friend that got me a good job in a law firm so i dont become a brain-dead fool
lost Timmy and got him back
applied to law school... got rejected by 2 that i dont know anything about.... waiting on Golden Gate and Thomas Jefferson... but really Golden Gate... oh man... i really wanna get in... i would do anything.. to anyone...
went to a bar tonight with a new friend... showered... typed up a blog thing...
got really tired because its 240 in the morning...
there jechri..... i did it... i finally "xanga"ed at your request... because i adore you...
GOOD NIGHT ALL! ADIEU
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| so much has happened ... i almost dont even want to start...so i wont... but the best part of my life is that i am GRADUATING!!!! and then im off to europe for 5 weeks!!! and im going to IBIZA for 5 days!!! my life is wonderful... im so jealous of me..
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| - "kiss you" and "smooth"
Kiss You
by Iio |
I'd wake up, and make love to you if I had you
I would touch you so much, but I'm not allowed to
What I hate is to wait, but in this case I'm patient
I'm discreet, I'm not weak, I just need the moment
He wants me, he wants me not
I want everything he's got
If I leaned over and tried to kiss you
Would I be wrong, after so long to kiss you
Would you pretend, we're only friends, if I kissed you
At least I can dream of you in a scene, when I'd kiss you
On one hand, we are friends, but still my mind wanders
Through side streets and alleys, I just keep growing fonder
To stop me is not easy, can't stop a lion from hunting
I'm focused, I won't miss, there's no control of some things | oooh.... this song makes me hot... and then makes me think of charlie..... | | |
| Im getting it in gear for the LSATs... and kinda like lent where you give something up to gain something in return, ive decided to sacrifice my obsession and my hate towards Charlie's "china girl".. some girl i dont know that he met and dated in china who has planned (and is now here) to spend a month with him... traveling up and down CA... (this arrangement was prior to me being introduced to the equation...) and quite honestly, I am moving to forego the whole Charlie thing.... if come january hes still around... I dont know if it will be or feel like the same, open, honest, brand new, unscathed semi-relationship it started out as.... so lets see what happens... but in my heart, ive already said good bye to him........ as to not expect any more from him that i have already been given....truly... it was what it was.... and im not ready to get hurt again...... so i'll get out before it comes to that........
this christmas, i want a good score on my LSATs... thats all..... and everything else that i want..... love, commitment, intamacy... ( well i dont know if i WANT it.... more like i enjoy these things) can all take a back seat to law school.... im a woman with a plan... dont wish me luck.. wish me a miracle and maybe some competance...... | | |
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